actually, i'm lousy as a leader and i realise that even though giving up is the easiest way out, it will ultimately be the best way. i don't know why but it seems that every decision that i've made has made a turn for the worse. and i think it just boils down to my lack of ability. i realise also that i don't have much talent whatsoever compared to many, much more gifted people. and i also realise that i've been so insenstive to other people's feelings. i also know that i am not able to properly choose the right things and am not able to effectively take responsibilty for anything. essentially, i make a mess of things. although it's something i don't want to let go of, i sometimes just feel that holding on would only further open wounds due to a lack of emotional senstivity on my part. and i'm not trying to sound sarcastic here. this is an honest, sincere statement i'm making. though i feel that leaving and giving up would be the best, there's still something that's holding me back from doing it and i don't know if it's some sort or metaphysical force that's telling me not to do it or just my lack of ability to let go. but quite basically, for whatever i've done. i'm sorry. i'm truly truly sorry. if anyone's to blame it's me. so if grudges are to be beared against me then so be it. cause i deserve them. i thought i could do this - i really did. but it's starting to become obvious that i can't. and one thing i truly treasure is friendship. so if i have to give it up to preserve one then i will do it. but if that's not enough then i really don't know what to do.

i'm not asking for sympathy or pity. if anything, all i ask for is forgiveness and forgetness (fuck la i don't know how to re-phrase it). as in, a pure, willing desire to forgive and not just because of guilt. i am willing to change myself for the benefit of the four of us.

and to everyone, please don't bother to tag on this. it's pointless because even though you all might be sincerely be trying to encourage me, there's only so much you can say and that so much is unfortunately all a cliche; one that i've become very much indifferent to. but thanks anyway.

she doesn't know...

we really mean it when we say we're team mates. just look at this:

how cool. and by the way, i have new found respect and admiration for Alex Kapranos, Nicholas McCarthy, Bob Hardy and Paul Thomson. Enough said.

this fire is outta control
we're gonna burn this city
burn this city

oh and by the way, i think Fernando Torres is damn bloody fucking handsome.

i cannot stand it. he's just too bloody handsome. HANDSOME FELLA LA UNDERSTAND?

now i'm
sh-sh-shakin' sh-shakin' i'm
sh-sh-shakin' sh-shakin'

are some people really just born like that? why have you changed so much. or maybe you were like that all along, just that i failed to notice it. maybe as a friend i refused to acknowledge that side of you. it's just not the same and i can understand why there is so much fear. can you not see that sometimes, your sacrifices just isn't enough or isn't all that great as you thought they would be. maybe if you had a little more sensitivity and a little more respect for us, paid more attention. then maybe you'd realise that you cause a lot of fear. that you've become a taboo, a sensitive topic that everyone treads lightly on because they are afraid. we all care for you and we find ourselves hurt that you are unwilling to be open to others' opinions. a little flexibility - a SINCERE willingness to be open - would make it much easier for all and would erase any fear that anyone has. the fact that this fear is present is evidence that we all care for you. we do not want to hurt you or offend you but maybe you have to notice that we've been doing all we can. things have been sacrificed and although not everyone is happy, it seems that you've been the most unhappy one, the one who is hardest to satisfy. that is where the fear comes from, the fear of displeasing you. i can only do so much, but if it never seems enough, then it comes to a point where it becomes exasperating. maybe you're used to doing that, to make others bend to what you think is right. but you can only use the same trick so many times as some would say it. but don't you think that it's a bit manipulative and insensitive to others to keep doing that just to get your own way. "nobody likes a child, who complains and i won't be that child anymore." sing that for me would you please? and maybe you should be open to criticism as well. getting all emo when we're all trying to help you only defeats the purpose. stop erecting those walls. stop covering yourself in spikes. can you not see that you're piercing everyone? again, this is not an attack. it is the result of being pierced over and over and over. [wah so emo] the point is, you're hurting everyone. so please stop it. please. i still can remember good times we had last year, among others. i want more of those. i want to stop feeling this constant strangle-hold that is your hostility and your strong, maybe narrow mind. if you feel that this is too strong a description for you, think. have i ever said things like these before? have i ever been this frank? no. but why now? what is it that made me lash out like this? i hope that you'd look inward and see, what would have caused this.

in the end, i'll be the bad one. i'll be the one who causes it all to end. cause i'm a terrible person. so why did i still do this. cause i feel that enough is enough. at least one is willing to make a change. please be more open, please be more sensitive. your shell has made you hardened to constructive comments and opinions that may have more value and truth. it has made you lash out at others in the process.

whatever. i'm a horrible person.

i'm a terrible person
cause i've made up my mind

stupid internet. stupid lousy computer. stupid lousy computer with lousy internet.

i now have nothing constructive to say. OOGA OOGA!

but anyway, CHELSEA LOST. please excuse my lack of sportsmanship but as a Liverpool fan myself, i cannot help but submit to the impulsive mocking of the Blues. so here's a big mocking laugh at them, as a personal consolation after the emotional hurt they put me through.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

"i sink he was rather lucky." - when Rochemback scored.

"AAAYYYEEE!" - when Downing scored.

"SPFFFFFFFTT! WHAT! THE! FUCK!" -when Yakubu sealed the emphatic victory.

i bet you look good on the dancefloor
i bet you look good on the dancefloor
'and i know i can never win anymore'