actually, i'm lousy as a leader and i realise that even though giving up is the easiest way out, it will ultimately be the best way. i don't know why but it seems that every decision that i've made has made a turn for the worse. and i think it just boils down to my lack of ability. i realise also that i don't have much talent whatsoever compared to many, much more gifted people. and i also realise that i've been so insenstive to other people's feelings. i also know that i am not able to properly choose the right things and am not able to effectively take responsibilty for anything. essentially, i make a mess of things. although it's something i don't want to let go of, i sometimes just feel that holding on would only further open wounds due to a lack of emotional senstivity on my part. and i'm not trying to sound sarcastic here. this is an honest, sincere statement i'm making. though i feel that leaving and giving up would be the best, there's still something that's holding me back from doing it and i don't know if it's some sort or metaphysical force that's telling me not to do it or just my lack of ability to let go. but quite basically, for whatever i've done. i'm sorry. i'm truly truly sorry. if anyone's to blame it's me. so if grudges are to be beared against me then so be it. cause i deserve them. i thought i could do this - i really did. but it's starting to become obvious that i can't. and one thing i truly treasure is friendship. so if i have to give it up to preserve one then i will do it. but if that's not enough then i really don't know what to do.

i'm not asking for sympathy or pity. if anything, all i ask for is forgiveness and forgetness (fuck la i don't know how to re-phrase it). as in, a pure, willing desire to forgive and not just because of guilt. i am willing to change myself for the benefit of the four of us.

and to everyone, please don't bother to tag on this. it's pointless because even though you all might be sincerely be trying to encourage me, there's only so much you can say and that so much is unfortunately all a cliche; one that i've become very much indifferent to. but thanks anyway.

she doesn't know...