i wrote an entry about the retreat but didn't finish it and was rather lazy to describe everything.

the main thing is, i felt the prescence of God [without trying to sound all charismatic], i felt a certain clarity in my mind and i think the events just before and after the retreat were the linking of gears to set a greater machine in motion. the retreat was alright but could be better. i made new friends.

i got OOF for my overall score. which basically means i don't meet the criteria for promotion. i'm not eligible for supplementary papers as well, so in short. it's pretty much the end of the road for me. the funny thing is, i kind of knew that my results would be OOF. a week before the official results were released, i knew that i would not be able to promote. after the big surprise of my results, i did not feel terribly depressed or suicidal. it was this clarity of mind that i experienced during retreat that took residence in me.

i saw my results as a sign. from God? maybe. but i see it as a sign nonetheless.

i once told my mom, that if i ever had a chance to take up a career in music, i would definitely take it. it might sound cliche, but i've always loved music ever since i was little; my most memorable toy being a Casio electronic keyboard my mother bought for me as a christmas present. i never learned how to play that thing but i loved it so. anyway, the point is, i realised that ever since i entered CJC, i never had the time to jam or to even meet with the Werd boys. their schedules were pretty much similar, while mine was the one that was the main culprit in clashing with their free times. it was like, they were free on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays to jam. i had training on those same days. it seemed impossible to meet up. what's more, our holidays and exam times kept us apart even more. when my exams end, someone else's exam or school term starts. so while i was free as hell to jam, they weren't as free or were busy with exams. it scared me at one point, as i thought of how it would be like for 2 years, to betoo busy with JC life to jam or get Werd going. then came my results. it was as if someone is telling me, "if you want this music thing to work, JC won't help you achieve it."

i suppose by the time i finish JC, we would've lost the time needed to at least get a footing in the industry. Nick Ng/Fat Nick, vocalist of local band Tien, told me that at our age, it is good time for passing out EPs to gain a fanbase. we've hardly even gotten our act together yet but the point is, the time to start building is now. so i'm asking myself, "maybe God is telling me that i should follow this music thing." He might be showing me a path that i could take. of course there's a question of how the other Werd boys feel about it.

there are also other signs that point to this path. firstly, the connections we have. my mom knows Paul G from Opuz studios. he and his brother, Paul T are well known in the region as well as internationally, i think. but they are professionals, period. he was the one who told me that to make it in this business, we need hard-work and humility. and then, there's Nick Ng from Tien. he said we could open for him if he plays at POW. i played 'The Singer' for him after I Don't Know's performance at Alive+Loud and he liked it. =) he also offered plenty of advice since Tien is already signed.

so, it's like there's this glowing door made of gold and jewels, showing me the way to this path. hmm, that sounded like something out of The Matrix but the point is, it's like they're signs for me to choose that path with Werd.

but what if it doesn't work out? what if it wasn't meant to be and we bomb big time? i'd have nothing to fall back on. i wasn't so clear on this part. i guess i have three possibilities: beg for supplementary papers and get into J2 [the most dangerous and fastest], get retained and do the new syllabus [the not so safe but faster choice] or go to poly and get a diploma and have more time for Werd [the slowest and safest choice]. i'm basically torn between these choices.

honestly, if i could know if Werd were to bomb or be successful i'd know straight away what to do. i haven't told my parents yet but hopefully when i do, they won't go ballistic.

so anyway, it's back to project work. this is another illegal entry using the school's internet. =)

it really feels like the end of the world now.

at the end of the world
or the last thing i see
you are never coming home
never coming home
could i?
should i?
and all the things
that you never ever told me
and all the smiles
that are ever gonna haunt me
never coming home
never coming home
could i?
should i?
and all the wounds
that are ever gonna scar me
for all the ghosts
that are ever gonna catch me